So the past few days have been bittersweet. I've had ups and downs, I've been hurt, I've had fun, I've had struggles with personal issues, I've had victories.
Thursday and Friday my school had our High School retreat. Thursday night we had the opportunity to get braclets that say "be strong, be bold" on them, to remind ourselves and each other accountable. We had to ask a friend to put them on us, so they would hold us accountable. Of course, I asked my friend (I don't want to say her real name. She'll be Zoe for now.) to put on mine, and she handed me hers and said she had to talk to me later.
The past year or so I've had some friendship troubles with two of my friends. (We'll call them Zoe and Amy.) I constantly felt left out and ignored, especially by Amy. There's more to that story, but not that I want to put on the internet.
Zoe explained a lot of what happened, and told me some other things that were hard to hear. It was good though, because now I understand her better and she can be more honest with me. But it was still scary and hard to hear.
Lately I've been feeling depressed for no reason and I've really had to force myself to do things. It's been hard being away from my Ukraine family and I just want to feel whole again. You know how when you're really hurt or upset there seems to be an emptiness inside you? Well, I've felt like that for a long time. When I was in Ukraine, I didn't feel that- I felt complete. And I just want to feel like that again.
Saturday, my mom had a bit of a meltdown. She has depression, and it's hard to deal with sometimes. Saturday and Monday were hard for her and as a result hard for dad and I.
Monday, however, was great! We went to Hershey park with Lily and a chinese exchange student named Michelle! I had a lot of fun and rode a lot of roller coasters. It was good, I needed fun.
I really do think I have depression, though. I get upset for no reason and over the littlest things. I find that a lot of times I have to push myself to get anything accomplished- I just want to stay in my room with my lights off crying or moping or sleeping. Monday Lena, Lily, and Michelle all got caricature sketches, and I didn't because we didn't have time- I almost started crying and got really mad at my dad. Over a caricature sketch! I took a test online (an actual legit test on a medical website, not just a stupid facebook quiz), and it said I have mild depression.
I'm also struggling with self image and eating disorders. I don't have one, but sometimes after eating dinner and sometimes even lunch, I just want to throw up. My appetite fluctuates- sometimes I eat a lot and sometimes I'm not even hungry. Occasionally, I don't even want to eat.
I don't know. I'm just worried and scared and all in all, it wasn't the best weekend ever. (Except for yesterday. That was fun. But today... not so great.)